We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know. – Carl Rogers
Successful couples base their communication from heartfelt intentions. Couples must be able to “speak” a common language to reach the couple’s shared goals.
Healthy couples communication doesn’t always come naturally. Let’s face it, relationships and especially building strong connected relationships, is hard work. It takes a lot of time, effort, and emotion. It takes a lot of thoughtfulness and awareness. And it calls for us to be fully present not only for ourselves but for the other person. Despite the number of days, months, or years you have been together, the effort that should be put into a relationship should never stop.
Healthy relationships are built on a spectrum of factors, and all require the couple to work together in order to be successful. One major factor is the ability for the couple to communicate with each other in productive and understanding ways. The couple must be able to “speak” a common language to reach the couple’s shared goals. And it is not just the words spoken that make up the communication. It is also the emotions and heart (love) carrying those words – or not carrying those words at times that make the communication helpful or unhelpful.
What is communication really made up of?
Communication is made up of verbal and non-verbal messages. It is the process of sending and receiving messages between different entities, parties, or individuals. It typically serves the purpose of leading those individuals to some mutual understanding or agreement.
Couples often present to therapy describing their problem as “lack of communication” or “communication problems”. For some, this is their main hurdle to join hands together to overcome. For others, there can be additional stressors contributing to the difficult communication such as financial stress, work stress, kid stress, infidelity, etc. These stressors likely grew even bigger due to the unhelpful communication between the partners. When couples avoid the process of communication because it’s too difficult and uncomfortable, they are each essentially giving permission for the problems to continue controlling their relationship and their lives.
When couples do the hard work first of working to understand their partner’s communication preferences and how those contribute to their style as a couple, the couple increases their success in combatting those problems as a unified force.
How do we start?
One of the first steps towards more healthy communication with your partner is to take account of your own intentions and actions in the communication. Be honest with yourself about how you help and don’t help the communication. Are there things you know that you can say or say in a certain way that give you the upper hand? Or are there ways that you don’t say things that gives you the edge? Is there a tone, look, or body posture that you know you can use to get a certain response?
What do you do that is helpful and not helpful? Still not sure? Think about the last difficult communication you had with your partner. Replay it in your mind as if you are watching it like a scene in a movie. Pay attention to how the interaction between the characters unfold. What do you notice?
Once you have taken a truly honest account of your role in the communication, now replay that movie scene but this time viewing it from the position of the other character. In movies, we often see the underlying wants and needs of the characters. Put yourself in that person’s shoes and see and work to understand what their heart’s wants and needs are. How was the character feeling? What was that character hoping the other person would say or do? What were they hoping the person would understand? Did the person do those things? How would the scene change if that person responded to the wants and needs in the other person’s heart?
Replay the scene again, but like when filming a movie, do another take. This time respond in a manner that is responding to the wants and needs in the other character’s heart. How does the scene change? What different ways does the character respond now? How do your feelings change? Was the outcome more positive?
Now, before you move on, make a commitment to yourself about what you will start or continue doing that is helpful, and what you will stop doing that is unhelpful. Really spend some time thinking about this and committing in your heart to do this so that when you and your partner come to your next difficult conversation, you already have pre-planned strategies in place that are focused on helping the communication.
Hopefully through this exercise you have gained some insight into yourself and your partner’s communication preferences. Continue to reflect on and work towards understanding of the process. It takes time to reroute unhelpful communication patterns so don’t get discouraged and keep trekking ahead. You will be surprised how laying open a path of heart-based understanding and empathy can give the other person permission and courage to do the same.
