We have all been there one time or another, where we were faced with a choice to make but could not get ourselves to make the decision. We could have spent hours, days, months, or sometimes even years going back and forth between the options in decision making. We spent a lot of brainpower analyzing the pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages, costs and benefits of every little aspect of the options thinking that this rigorous analysis would bring us the insight needed to make the perfect decision. Have you realized though that even when we get to that point when we’ve initially made the decision that sometimes there is a part of us that still feels unsure, and it’s like we’re almost inviting some reason to lead us away from that decision and back into the realm of non-committal?
Because essentially, us not making a decision is because we don’t feel ready to commit. Why? Because it scares us.
It’s as simple as that. Decision making is an open and flexible process whereas deciding is a set outcome. Deciding means that we are committing to something regardless of the outcome. We are committing ourselves to some unknowns and that feels scary. If we knew the outcome from the get-go, the decision making process is much simpler and less drawn out, or not drawn out at all. Think about it. If you had a choice between two job opportunities and you knew Job A would pay X amount, promote you to a higher position in X time, and would make you feel X positive feelings about the work you do and your value as opposed to Job B where pay is X amount, “might” promote you to a higher position in X time, and you “think” you might like the job but aren’t sure – which would you pick? We’d all pick Job A. The outcome is more definite and secure. It makes us feel safe and confident. There is less to fear. In turn, it’s easier for us to commit to that decision and we will second guess it less or not at all. We commit our heart and mind to it, and we move forward.
To understand why certain decisions scare us and perhaps why others don’t, we need to dig deeper into ourselves. What is it that we fear? Is it failure, being blamed, disappointing someone, disappointing ourselves? Once you’ve identified that, now dig even deeper and let yourself follow that feeling further. If it is failure that we fear, was there a time in the past when we did not succeed at something that we really worked for? What then were the thoughts that we attached to that feeling of failure? Those thoughts were likely along the lines of – “I’m never good at anything so I shouldn’t even try”, “I was so stupid for thinking I could do that”, “Other people have the natural ability but I don’t and it’s too hard to work for”. We’re riddled with a bunch of negative thoughts about ourselves.
What we often don’t see is that when we carry these thoughts around with us, often unconsciously, they contribute to our broader beliefs about ourselves, our world, and others. We start to interpret what is presented to us and what happens to us with this lens. In the job example, we might then stay away from applying to jobs that we meet the requirements of for fear that we have no chance of getting it. In relationships, we may stay away from connecting to others for fear that someone will treat us like someone did negatively in the past. Or in creative pursuits, we may hold back from trying new things even though we know we would enjoy them because we fear someone might not like our work.
When we let fear make decisions for us we are letting fear run our lives. We won’t be able to reach our potential and we won’t be able to truly enjoy our lives and live happily. We are limiting ourselves. And if we limit ourselves we put ourselves right back into the place we were trying to avoid in the first place by not making a decision, that place of feeling unhappy and distressed.
Instead imagine and let yourself feel what it would be like to live a life where fear was not your guiding force. Visualize how much happier and fulfilled you would feel. Think about how much value and purpose you felt your life had and you were able to offer to the world and those around you that you love. Wholeheartedly take in the realization that this is a possibility that could happen for you. Realize that it is achievable.
Other reading that may be of interest to you: Getting Unstuck: When The Shoulds Get In The Way.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt
